Friday, June 17, 2011

oh, boy....where to begin, again.

reading the wonderful blog of a fellow Kenyon grad today, I'm realizing how far away I've gotten from this blog that I have tried to commit to in fits and starts.

But, this process is hard for me. I'm not naturally a very self-reflective person, I've realized. At least, not in ways that I see and admire in others: journaling, regular blogging, setting life goals and plans with annual check-ins! Basically, I am pretty happy if I know my schedule for the week and I've got groceries in the fridge - otherwise, I'm not that pressed to sit down and write or reflect on a regular basis. I'm going to try, but in full disclosure: this entry is all over the dang map.

The major life event that has taken place since I last wrote here (17 months ago) is that my dad died. Two weeks ago. less than 4 months after being diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer. His illness was awful. maybe I'll write about it someday, but right now it's too raw. But, as soon as he was diagnosed, I knew I was going to want to give a eulogy at his funeral. I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, but I knew I was going to want to say something so people could know what he meant to me. I'll post what I said in a separate post, but I have realized that I got a lot out of writing about our relationship and sharing it with others.

Maybe that means I'll be more inspired to write again about my life as a mommy - yup, much to my dismay, Jane labeled me as Mommy, and Mere as Momma. I real bad wanted to be Mama. But, Mommy sounds pretty awesome, too.

Jane is amazing. A firecracker of a kid - willful, strong, and also fun as all get out. She is obsessed with PBS Kids shows, which I know I should feel badly about, but you know what? It means I can catch my breath, get laundry or dinner done, and she's expanded her vocabulary greatly thanks to WordGirl and SuperWhy. If only I could go back in time and make sure she never ever ever saw Caillou. She loves telling knock-knock jokes:
Me: Knock Knock
Jane: knock knock der?
Me: tickle
Jane: (already laughing) tickle who?
Me: tickle bugs!

she also made one up herself:
Jane: knock knock
Me: who's there?
Jane: tag, you're it!

Everyday I feel like I hear a new word from her, or realize she's grown older in the past 24 hours. The last two nights we've gotten back to proper family dinner at the table, and she sits there in a real chair, feeds herself, drank juice out of a big girl cup and only spilled it once, and just sort of hangs out with us. amazing. Bedtime can still be a struggle, but unless something sets her off (like her itchy bug bites last night) she sleeps until I need to wake her up every morning for daycare. My favorite moments of the day are when I pull her (all kind of warm and baby-sweaty) out of her crib, tuck her up on my shoulder, and snuggle in the chair until I can coax her awake. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I just know she loves me.

Now, she's also very two. VERY two. can pitch a fit at the slightest provocation, is really good at ignoring me, and she and all of her daycare colleagues can hit or bite with the best of them. Since my dad got sick, she's either been a tremendous distraction and boost to my spirits, or I find myself on the edge much more quickly. I can tell she was hurting, though, when I was gone a lot at the end, and we seem to be reconnected well now.

and, though this life as a mommy changes daily, it's feeling pretty awesome.

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