Monday morning regrets

so, I think I have officially turned into a harpy. This weekend was hard for me for some reason. I felt really tired and worn out, and kept taking it out on Meredith. snapping about really stupid crap that had NOTHING to do with how I was really feeling. Which is, frankly, that I don't ALWAYS want to hang with Jane. I feel like that means I'm a terrible mom, but it's true. I know other moms who seem to be constantly over the moon about their kids, and I think I must be a terrible person because sometimes I just want to have a day to myself. Even if that day is spent cooking and cleaning and doing laundry, etc.....I feel like I am better at that stuff than chasing after Jane a lot of the time. I love her, she's my light and she's lots of fun, etc. But, on Saturday afternoons when she's driving me crazy instead of taking her nap and giving me some downtime, I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thankfully, I have a wonderful partner who sees that and takes Jane for a 3 hour adventure, but am I the only one who feels this way? I can't be the only one, but I feel like it.

Are there other people like me out there? I sure as hell hope so, or maybe I'm headed to the loony bin. It's just that everything seems harder than it should right now. Jane's sleeping is a bit off again, but I shouldn't be thrown for such a loop about it, I think. I don't know. It was probably more acute this weekend because I just came off of one of my hardest weeks at work in a while. Constantly ON, running, racing to meet deadlines, trying to connect with important folks, and worrying that I was leaving to much of the actual parenting to Meredith. And, often, if I'm going to be honest about it, happy that I could leave much of the parenting time to Meredith. which, again, starts the cycle of feeling like a terrible mom.

But, we've talked about how I can be less harpy. I do take on a lot of Jane care and house care during the week, so we're going to try setting up a schedule over the weekend where I am NOT always expected to be the first responder for Jane's needs. Let me sleep in a little later, or maybe linger in a shower and feel like a human being for a little while. I hope it helps. I don't want to build resentment and let it all out at an inopportune time and on the wrong person.

just, feeling overwhelmed by needing to be constantly ON, and worried that I'm not always as excited about motherhood as other people seem to be.

Miss Jane....

is just astonishing these days! she LOVES to dance and shake her head to music, she is SLEEPING (waking up at 5:30 for a bottle, and then back to bed until 7:30 this week! awesome--I can get stuff done!), and I swear, she tries to do the motions for the itsy bitsy spider. She raises her hands up, she washes the spider out, and she claps at the end of the song. She also had a major giggle fest this morning during breakfast. I love it. And, will post video of the dancing soon.

holy crap...

one-click ordering with Amazon Prime is a dangerous thing...

Monday...

and, I fear I have not gotten nearly enough done and it's already 4:00. I'm having some writer's block, and feel a bit swamped by everything to get done. no good.

but, in other news: had a great, but really busy weekend. Lots of fun times with Miss jane, Mere, and friends. Baby Loves Disco is definitely not really for babies. More like Kid Loves Disco, but we'll check it out again when Jane's older. Had a really wonderful night of delicious food, wine, and good friends at my friend J's fabulous new apartment on Saturday, and then Sunday was: volunteering at church for lunch prep (SO fun), brunch with Janey's uncle R., errands, and then a housewarming party for friends who just moved close by. Festive and fun weekend, but a bit tiring. SO happy when Jane fell asleep early and STAYED asleep! (I was getting close to the end of my sleep rope, and am afraid I was a little negative on the whole thing on Saturday...when I was hanging out with a group of non-mom friends...think I might have scared some of them!)

I'm also trying to babyproof a little bit more at a time. took more stuff off of the shelves in the living room, tried to install a gate for the steps without any luck....need to work on the basement and our room next. Jane likes to Get Around. fun, but tiring, especially when I'm always worried she'll get into stuff she shouldn't, like cat treats and iPods. sigh. But, I love it when our living room is straightened up. It makes me happy!

Also on the list of things that make me happy: Jane's giggle, smoked gouda cheese, N's toffee chocolate chip cookies, catching up on all of the million shows on my DVR, and hanging with Mere. oh, and our cats. gotta love the cats.

one of those days...

ugh. Jane was up from 3:30 to 5:30 and by then there was no more hope of sleep for us. after caving and giving her a bottle she was out until 7:15. wish I could say the same for me!

i had an 8:30 meeting which meant I had to ask to drop her off early at daycare and rush downtown, and feel like I've lost my whole days to meetings and feeling exhausted. and, to top it off, I have to go to an event that is supposed to last until 9:30. we'll see how long I last. thankfully it's just a few blocks from the office so hopefully I can get some work done.

if I can stop typing here.

on a good note: had delicious sushi monthly lunch with C.

on another good note: Mere won tickets to the white house christmas tree lighting ceremony for us! what a great first Christmas miss jane is going to have!!

other milestones...

jane is definitely saying "ditty" when looking at (or for!) the cats. she's also slept through the night twice (hallelujah!) and is now climbing stairs. LOTS of them. all the way up a long flight if you'll let her. we have to stay behind her, of course, because sometimes she likes to sit back suddenly, or look back at how far she's come and seems to get freaked out by it. ;)

in other news, we both seem to have skirted last week's flirtation with sickness pretty well. Jane's runny nose cleared up eventually, and I felt great the next day (probably something to do with her sleeping through the night after the h1n1 vaccine!). now I am battling an upset tummy but she seems to be doing well.

we are gettign more and more excited for Janey's first thanksgiving--heading to spend the holiday with Mere's family in Roanoke as usual...T and M haven't seen Jane since she was a baby :) and A and T are always anxious to see her! And then, before we know it, Janey's first Christmas. It's amazing....this first year is going by so quickly! My little peanut is going to be 10 months old in just a few days. sigh. I really don't know where the months have gone.

ugh

so, it's finally happened: jane and I seem to be falling sick at the same time. so far, she's just got a runny nose so there is a possibility that it could be teething-related, but the poor beast isn't sleeping well due to the congestion. I knew she was feeling lousy last night--she started crying again at 8:30, after being asleep for a couple of hours. I went in to check and could hear she was struggling a little bit with her stuffiness. I scooped her up, and she fell asleep immediately curled against my chest. she is usually NOT a snuggly baby at all--too busy!--so I took full advantage of the situation and rocked with her for a long time just reveling in the cozy time.

Mere was up with her for two hours later on (!) but thankfully let me sleep through it since I wasn't feeling so hot.

now, I'm waiting to hear if it will be okay for her to get the H1N1 vaccine if she's feeling a bit off. I hope so! Can't stand the idea of her getting really sick again.