so, I think I have officially turned into a harpy. This weekend was hard for me for some reason. I felt really tired and worn out, and kept taking it out on Meredith. snapping about really stupid crap that had NOTHING to do with how I was really feeling. Which is, frankly, that I don't ALWAYS want to hang with Jane. I feel like that means I'm a terrible mom, but it's true. I know other moms who seem to be constantly over the moon about their kids, and I think I must be a terrible person because sometimes I just want to have a day to myself. Even if that day is spent cooking and cleaning and doing laundry, etc.....I feel like I am better at that stuff than chasing after Jane a lot of the time. I love her, she's my light and she's lots of fun, etc. But, on Saturday afternoons when she's driving me crazy instead of taking her nap and giving me some downtime, I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thankfully, I have a wonderful partner who sees that and takes Jane for a 3 hour adventure, but am I the only one who feels this way? I can't be the only one, but I feel like it.
Are there other people like me out there? I sure as hell hope so, or maybe I'm headed to the loony bin. It's just that everything seems harder than it should right now. Jane's sleeping is a bit off again, but I shouldn't be thrown for such a loop about it, I think. I don't know. It was probably more acute this weekend because I just came off of one of my hardest weeks at work in a while. Constantly ON, running, racing to meet deadlines, trying to connect with important folks, and worrying that I was leaving to much of the actual parenting to Meredith. And, often, if I'm going to be honest about it, happy that I could leave much of the parenting time to Meredith. which, again, starts the cycle of feeling like a terrible mom.
But, we've talked about how I can be less harpy. I do take on a lot of Jane care and house care during the week, so we're going to try setting up a schedule over the weekend where I am NOT always expected to be the first responder for Jane's needs. Let me sleep in a little later, or maybe linger in a shower and feel like a human being for a little while. I hope it helps. I don't want to build resentment and let it all out at an inopportune time and on the wrong person.
just, feeling overwhelmed by needing to be constantly ON, and worried that I'm not always as excited about motherhood as other people seem to be.
7 hours ago