Tuesday, November 3, 2009

um, yeah....

so, this blogging thing hasn't really been happening. but, a lot of other things have been. like, teeth, and peg leg crawling, and jabbering on and on and on, and saying "uh-oh" and maybe saying "duke" or "kitty cat". dressing up like a peanut for first Halloween. oh, but, those are all things that have happened to Jane.

what are the things that have happened to me outside of being Jane's mama? It's kind of hard to think about that. I often feel like I don't know what I'm doing aside from being a mama. trying to help friends through some stressful situations. refocusing at work. (it's amazing what a cleaned off desk and re-filed paperwork can do in that regard). trying to focus on a relationship with Mere that is separate from being mamas. seeing my sister move off to WV (only 1 1/2 hours away, but it makes a difference!). trying to support the bff as she takes brave leaps to a new chapter in her life. Daydreaming about a trip to Napa. Looking forward to my college reunion next spring. subscribing to life as a caffeinated individual again after 10 years. joining a church that I really love.

I guess most people go through this when they are parents. Have I lost my identity as myself now that I'm so focused on her? and, how do I get it back? She's already almost 10 months old. 2009 has been flying past, but I feel like I don't know where it went. It went to diaper changes and playtime and trying to get sleep and feeling icky about my postpartum body (but not enough to really do anything about it, apparently) and trying to stay on top of what she'll eat or not eat, say or not say, do or not do. but, not so sure about what I'm all about these days.

but, I know I'm about having a cute-ass kid who makes me laugh until I can't catch my breath, and who tries to steal jewelry when I wear it, so I have to hide it in my purse until I get to work, and who is the biggest brute at daycare, but the two year old boys love her and let her climb all over them, and who still wakes up overnight, but when I snuggle her in the rocking chair in her dark room and her fleecy jammies keep me warm, too, sometimes I don't mind at all, and who is constantly amazed by the sheer existence of our cats, and who does a happy dance when she sees me come in after a long day at work, and maybe that's enough right now.

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